Ted Review

Not as adorable as you'd think.

Full spoiler-free review by Isaac Handelman

As comedian Seth MacFarlane’s first motion picture following the massive success of Family Guy, Ted’s got its work cut out for it. What’s here is much of what you’d suspect out of MacFarlane and company -- it’s crass, it’s crude, it’s immature, and, at certain points, it’s unbelievably hilarious. But MacFarlane’s inexperience in the world of cinema pops up a tad too often here, resulting in a narrative that, rather unsurprisingly, can’t sustain itself through a film’s runtime.

Mark Wahlberg stars as John, who made a wish as a little boy for his Christmas gift, a teddy bear, to come to life. His wish was granted, and he’s now a thirty-five year old grown man whose best friend is still his teddy bear, albeit possessing a, ahem, rich vocabulary, some moderately filthy behavior and a brilliantly animated appearance that blends almost perfectly with the human characters; it’s often difficult to realize that Ted is rendered entirely in CGI. The plot revolves around John’s struggles to sustain his relationship with Ted whilst keeping his girlfriend, Lori (Mila Kunis), happy. This obviously proves to be more difficult than it sounds, but Ted’s premise ultimately boils down to a pretty generic bro-movie formula, with the twist being that the bro is a teddy bear. This makes for some great gags, but it doesn’t mask the inherent predictability that comes with using such a well-worn premise.

The real problem is that Ted doesn’t make enough tangible changes to the formula, and so the central narrative is generic, rote and downright uninteresting. Though the film’s first half contains enough comedic splendor to mostly hide the narrative’s shortcomings, the second half outstays its welcome and lacks the necessary volume of laughs to have the same effect. Even the film’s attempt at a grand climax is unexciting, mostly due to the fact that I didn’t want to be excited by Ted, I just wanted to laugh at it, and I’ve got a hunch that most of MacFarlane’s fan-base feels similarly.

Thankfully, excluding a portion of the second half where laughs are spread thin, most of the film is rife with instances of hilarity. Following his 2010 performance alongside Will Ferrell in The Other Guys, Wahlberg again proves he’s got the chops necessary to succeed in comedy, though his faux Brooklyn accent is iffy at best. Mila Kunis is fine, if rather unspectacular as the film’s leading lady and Seth MacFarlane, unsurprisingly, plays a perfect pot smoking teddy bear. 

However, the performance highlights of the films turn out not to be its leads, but its various high-profile, brilliantly used celebrity cameos. I won’t point out any names in particular as to preserve the surprise factor, but these cameos aren’t just cheap, brief appearances -- they’re characters who play legitimate roles in the film’s narrative. It’s immensely entertaining the first time each strolls onto the screen, and they serve their individual purposes extremely well.

Opposing this great use of characters are the film’s antagonists, who are neither fully fleshed out nor the least bit funny. Mostly, they’re just a bizarre presence that pops up a few times throughout the film and then end up playing a significant part in the finale despite the fact that, up until then, they’ve been used only to middling comedic effect. It’s a puzzling choice on the screenwriters’ part, and ends up feeling completely unnecessary, serving no purpose at all other than to extend the runtime, which needed no extending to begin with.

Ted begins in spectacular comedic fashion and then goes out with a whimper. For most of its second half, the film's just not funny enough to forgive its thin central narrative. This is a prime example of a television comedian exiting his comfort zone for the first time and understandably finding himself unable to fill a competent cinematic running time; scattered moments of comedic brilliance, some incredible cameos and side-splitting pop culture references ultimately fall short of redeeming Ted’s missteps where it really counts: the story. Though far from unwatchable, this is a disappointing film debut from MacFarlane. But yes, for those looking for nothing more than a laugh, it’s difficult to deny that the ridiculous antics of this foul-mouthed magical teddy bear are often amusing.

Final Score:

5.0/10

“Average”